We have been receiving alot
of mail from visitors to our website. Unfortunately, the sad chore of posting
news updates has fallen on me.
News on our website will be a comprehensive
slice of our lives because, outside of Team Fortress, most of us do, indeed,
have a life. There are many others who we have associated with over
the years who regularly visit the site; those who have touched us in a
special way, and those we have touched.
I would like, firstly, to rebut the main points of the negative mail we have been receiving:
I. We are not 'fags'.
a. We have received alot of mail from the kiddies* calling us 'fags'. We cannot , of course, provide complete proof that we are not 'fags'. All we can say, as a group, is that we have NEVER cavorted naked together - well, there WAS the one time, but it was purely platonic and there was alot of alcohol flowing, in and out. Certainly no one will judge us for getting drunk and forgetting where our clothes were. I digress.
Let me finish this rebuttal by saying that we, as a clan, do not have an official policy on the persecution and killing of 'fags'. Most of us live by the motto of 'live and let live'. Quite likely, we have members who are actively engaged in the aforementioned activities but these are unofficial, isolated events and are not sanctioned by Clan TFB.
* A cursory internet search has provided us demographic information on the proprietors of certain pieces of particularly volatile E-mail. Not once has the sender been a child over the age of sixteen. Figure the odds.
II. We are not 'anti-German'. (No more than anyone else, at any rate)
a. I can trace the primary strain of my bloodline to Baron von Heydt who emigrated from Germany to the United States sometime in the early 1700's. Baron von Heydt was not an actual baron, had no connection to actual royalty and was only called 'Baron', in legend, because he was extremely bossy. Those who are associated with me may smile knowingly. I co-authored the 'Top Ten Reasons Quake Is Banned in Germany' and can see no reason to resent it.
Another clan member, Circuits, can trace his lineage back to Germany. I asked him for his opinion on the volume of mail we have received from Germans angry at us, and his actual quote was 'Patience, German Comrades. The Fourth Reich will rise in the near future and we will stamp out the naysayers, cynics and other rabble'.
There you have it. According to Circuits, the pendulum will eventually swing back the other way and we will all go back to making fun of 'Poles'.
III. We are not 'anti-women'.
a. All but three of our clan members are happily-married productive members of the society we call 'Makin Babies'. The four single members are actively pursuing 'perfect women' in all the right places; church, grocery stores, AA meetings, weekly ASAP classes and debutante parties.
Clan TFB does not have an official policy on the persecution and killing of women. On the face of it, it seems to be a bad idea, but most of us are open-minded and willing to try most anything for 'the good of society'. Notable exceptions to this magnanimous attitude are MonkEspank, borderline sociopath, Circuits, full sociopath with certificates to prove it, Racer X, cold-hearted Republican, and Tin Man, drug dealer/user and dreg of society.
Clan TFB only prohibits women as members at this time for the sole reason that we only have one clan bathroom and the line is already too long.
IIII. We are not alcoholics.
a. We appreciate the compliment but, as a group, we can say unequivocally that we only aspire to be alcoholics and none of us has the chutzpah to claim The Golden Chalice Of Beer without first mastering the FOUR STEPS OF ALCOHOLISM, as listed below:
1. Health Problems caused
by alcohol.
2. Legal Problems caused
by alcohol.
3. Relationship Problems
caused by alcohol.
4. Financial Problems caused
by alcohol.
Each of us is working on his
own step of this four step program, and this is an intensely private endeavor.
That said, MonkEspank and Tin Man are just ONE STEP AWAY FROM TOTAL MASTERY!!
We are all excited for them and their accomplishments. They are setting
an example for the rest of us that could be very expensive, what with the
rising cost of beer and their
imminent bail requirements.
--
That concludes this week's edition of E-mail rebuttal. On to further news, this with more of a personal nature, initiated by clan member name, followed by highlights, or lowlights.
MonkEspank recently started employment with another computer/fiber networking company based in Virginia Beach. He is being deployed to snowy Colorado where he will be in charge of a networking job for <unnamed Gov't agency>. He will be there for six long months holdup in a Best Western with nothing for solace but his computer, beer and maybe a whore or two. MonkEspank's wife is expecting her second child soon, and we have great news! IT'S MONKESPANK'S! Oh yeah, and it's a boy.
Gib started with the same company earlier and was promptly sent to sunny Texas where he is in charge of a networking project involving <top secret contract information>. Gib will be there for six more months and will probably console himself with beer, beer, and cattle. Gib's wife is very close to her doctorate degree and that much closer to 'dumping the creep'.
Ravenwood recently started employment with an acclaimed local ISP. He ended four months of unemployment with a whimper and right now his plans are to 'hold this job longer than the last six'. If he can hold on for three months, he will make personal history. Let's all cross our fingers.
Racer X has taken a turn for the worse. Living in Ohio, far away from the rest of us, he has been free to develop personal habits contrary to the spirit of Clan TFB. He is progressing up the ladder at GE and has actually quit playing TF to 'spend more time with the ball, chain and rug-rat'. In Racer's defense, he does a lot of code work for the clan.
Circuits, on the other hand, can balance the need of career with the screed of beer. <!> After obtaining his Doctorate degree in some arcane field of computer science, he is raking in the money hand over fist in Colorado working for <top four long-distance company>. Let's all wish Circuits the best as he wrestles with out-dated COBOL code so our year 2000 phone bills will be accurate.
Nomad is a clan success story. When we met Nomad years ago, he was a liquor or wine drinker. Frankly, it was embarrassing going to Hooters with him. Not only did he not sup from the communal pitcher, he didn't eat the wings. We are pleased to announce that Nomad is a proud beer drinker now, showing signs of a beer gut AND eating wings. He also has a fairly new baby girl and she is as gorgeous as he and his wife.
Rubix is excelling at his new career as a financial advisor. For the most part, he has crushed his co-workers solely from the business generated from the clan members and extended clan. He's costing me close to two hundred dollars a month. He and his new wife are expecting a baby girl very soon and clan TFB expects him to keep trying 'til he gets it right.
Cowboy is tickled to death to be living in rural North Carolina. The rest of us, at best, are embarrassed for him. Who would have thought a techno- punk beach kid would be chasing squirrels with a .410 shotgun, having state- sanctioned relations and WORKING THE SAME PLACE AS HIS WIFE?? We never would have, so we don't expect you to understand. Word is, he actually has a valid driver's license now. Bet Virginia feels stupid for taking it away for ten years.
Col. Colitis represents a sad, but optimistic chapter in Clan TFB history. He is currently without a computer, having sold it TO BUY A PROMISE RING FOR HIS SIGNIFICANT OTHER! Does it get any more ironic than this? We think not. He has $800 put away towards a new computer, but we would not be surprised if he blew this vacationing with his partner. Who can understand these people? Isn't the clan more important than one's own right to live their life like they want to?
Tin Man has recently moved back to Virginia from his temporary refuge of Tennessee, with the approval of his parole officer. It didn't take long for him to start selling drugs again after his parole, but he has a better system this time and is convinced that selling bananas door-to-door will provide adequate cover for his illicit activities. Four of the clan members are addicted customers now and it makes me wonder, can you overdose on potassium?
Leetchie is another clan success
story. He was recently promoted to East Coast MIS manager of <major
consumer electronics manufacturer>. He is also balancing this with
his dedication to family and beer. We asked him how he pulled it
all off, and his reply was simple: 'I try to stay drunk.' Wow. So
simple, and yet so difficult. A toast to Leetchie, and all those
who
aspire to duplicate his feat.
Marauder was not available for an update, so we assume he is still living in the trailer with his common-law wife and mixed-race children.
I am doing fine. I recently
started with <top four computer manufacturer>. I am excelling
at this job and recently had to quit my part-
time job with <unnamed Gov't
agency>. I still hold out hopes to get my degree in English, teach
and write the third Great American Novel, Perhaps I will be able
to when my wife finishes getting her accounting degree. In the meantime,
I just whine alot. Maturity seems to be chasing all of us, stabbing
us with painful memories and waking us up with nausea. My father
died during the Christmas holidays and some day when I sober up, I will
curse the sonuvabitch for not being there. In the meantime, here's
to Pete! On a side-note, MonkEspank, Ravenwood and I were able to attend
the AFC Championship football game in Pittsburgh and if you haven't been
to a PRO football game, I urge you to try it once.
'Til next time,
- Lope